Diversing the roots of my happiness

I can still feel the sadness in me. For many times I've been telling myself not to wallow in self-pity yet i can barely do so for a few hours in a day.

So what if I can't continue my vocal classes? Yea, that sounds silly and totally not a big deal (not to mention it's not even considered a deal) to people.

I don't know exactly what i wanna get out of taking vocal classes; not exactly living the dreams of becoming a pop star, maybe just wanna get recognition using my skill where my greatest interest lies and to mix well with people of the same interests.

That explains why I'm feeling as if i've been thrown flat to the ground when i cannot sustain my lesson fees. I knew long ago this day would come; that i would learn all the way to the Intermediate level of singing leaving not much savings to see myself to the Advance. Back then i thought just 走一步算一步。

Mama always tells me to make myself happier and not to worry too much about future as things will smooth out to what they ought to be. My decision to throw my savings into doing what i like was my first step of breakthrough in freeing my true soul from the cage. Now, everything goes back to show that i ought to plan better right from the start to avoid great disappointments.

It's really hard to keep myself going on, staying satisfied just by cherishing fond memories of what I had or managed to do. Everything im doing says im in the intermediate stage- Japanese, Korean, vocal classes.. Now i detest the word 'intermediate'; it's definitely a big leap from beginner but it's just another way of saying 'mediocre'. How can i make myself advance from here?

I've been in a total lost ever since i've stopped my vocal and dance classes. After all the fulfilling days, life is telling me to scram back to a normal student mugging for exams. Last month, just when i had decided to put down everything after ending my intermediate classes, my heart got screwed up all over after the vocal exams. Just because the judge aka music forest's boss said he'll try to remember who i am; and the next moment he called my name. The fact that he didn't say the same to the other students definitely gave me some recognition. I don't expect any follow-ups from what he said, but i was totally pushed from heaven to ground. So what if he remembers me? It only adds on to my pain and dilemma that i want but cant continue lessons in near future.

Experiences always play jokes on me. I wonder what God is trying to test.
For now, i can only bury my sadness for no one can understand. The current thing i do is to put others' happiness in front of my own, something that i once would contemplate for a while; to give mama little treats when she's feeling low, buying better presents for good friends' birthdays and treating them to little snacks just like how they treat me. I used to put my hobby as the only priority on list but it turns out to be unsustainable.

Now, i realise i'm actually sufficient, if i were to share what i have and spread my happiness to more people in my circle. Yes, i shouldn't be so selfish thinking only to plant fruits of joy for my own consumption.

Do the better, wish for the best. Only time and patience can tell where i'll be heading from now on.

Conclusion for the Semester

I knew it.

That blogging isn't really a big part of my life; I left my blog to rot for a couple of months without any urge to sweep off the cobwebs with my brush of words. Hate wastage even though the abundant use of cyber space isn't exactly harming the earth.

I didn't even write on how these few months started and now im concluding on it.

Hmm, my Year 2 Semester 1 passed so quickly that i couldn't properly evaluate the feelings i had for the past few months. All i could remember was the feeling of anger and 'pissing-offs' because of a gay project mate who consistently put me in his league of comparison. For WHAT?

Although im no longer taking lessons from Xueling Laoshi, i always remember the story of comparison that she told. It is not a good measure to compare yourself with others because that impedes your self-improvement; if you target someone as your aim for improvement, how do you know in the first place that 1) he/she is better than you 2) how much is he/she better?
Maybe your target is ahead of you by a step; so after all that internal struggles, confusions and investments, you finally won, by just a step. You could have leaped by a few if you were to set your sight further, i guess.

Anyway, don't you come mess around with my life, using me as your ladder to step ON me. Leech. But still, i won't say you're out of my life, for you've never once been INside.

After this post, everything will be set aside. I just need a way to draw an official conclusion on the past.

I'm so glad i've managed to survive the peak period of my 6 modules. Now I have 4 exams but i wanna take it easy. I can't do well under stress!

When my exams end, i'm gonna continue to read on my Japanese and Korean. That's the only practical stuff left for me to pursue. I'm really affected by the fact that I'm not able to sustain my vocal classes; just because reality made me realise those are for rich men's kids.

Now I wanna set my goal for next year in getting the Monbusho scholarship that can send me to Japan for study for a year. I know i should not pin all my hopes on this, but i really hate it when my mama reminds me "don't take it too hard, what if...". Those "What if I can't"s shatter all the hopes and dreams of someone who has lived for barely 21 years.Yet, i do have this fear of 'What if I can't', then i'll be left with no more music, no Japan or Korea... I don't wanna be reduced to an empty shell only desiring to do things that help sustain survival at minimal.

My wish for 21st, to be happier, luckier and richer. 누가 도와줄수 있을까? 나만. 나밖에 없다.