Are you game for Uno LIFE?

I have to blog about this, I have to blog about this, I have to blog about this!

Met up with Sophia and Karen and OMG found out that Karen's gonna be my dance instructor once again!

I knew Singapore is small but didn't know it's THIS small!

This confirms once again I shouldn't be whining when I'm faced with setbacks. Nothing/no one except myself is keeping me from moving on. I thought I've lost the spiritual link with music just because I can't continue lessons at MF. Just when I've pulled myself back again, unexpected surprises came. :)

Actually I don't really have good impression of CC lessons because I've tried taking up guitar classes and the Malay instructor was just spending half the lesson time fine-tuning the keys for each student EVERY week. That made me think that it isn't really possible to get quality learning from CC. So you just gotta lose something to re-see things clearer.

This time was because I just wanted to keep this musical contact in myself going so I listened to mama's recommendation and signed up at the CC. When I saw the schedule list, I was half persuaded by the sight of the name 'Karen', thinking that maybe it's just fate that I can learn from yet another Karen. Then today I realised it's the same Kakakaren. ^.^

Now I ridicule my act of ridiculing at my mama's 'naive faith' in "all Karens are my same friend". 엄마 내가 잘못했다. Perhaps I should learn to believe simply. Things really do happen for a reason and it's not up to you to create or avoid.

I thought I was facing quite a number of obstacles in this pursuit of musical link with my soul. First was how I followed Xueling Laoshi out of MF, then back into MF meeting Huan Jie, after which was how I followed Ash out of MF, then back into MF meeting Karen... Every change of situation sets me wanting to put the past behind and start 'anew', but ultimately I would always be made to live with it. Ok, whatever past is all part of me. I should never think of throwing anything of that away for I should learn to live on with it. 과고를 가지고 잘 살아. 過去を持っていながら活きていく。Experiences is what make me fuller a person.

Life is really like an UNO game, the life version; you can choose to start but you can't stop as and when you like. When it's your turn, play it, otherwise you have to just watch for your turn to be skipped. My inner philosopher is at it again. Despite hiding in a shell of a physical slacker.

I've been living like a walking corpse for last semester. A new one is ahead, and I shall embrace it once again, soulfully.

\(^.^)/

yeah, im bravo!

I did something brave last week. Not that it's my first time, but it's been a year.

It's always good to push yourself to an audition, to put your mental self to a good test. After I knew from Ivan that there was the JYPE audition coming up, i told myself to forget about it and just stay home even though i did went to register online. Eventually, 2 days before the audition i decided to just go.

I had never like the thought of telling mama that im going for auditions. I don't need another pair of cold eyes telling me, "Why you among the thousands and millions of hopefuls?" To attend a school seminar was the lie to explain my early wake-up at a freaking 5.30am. Then, reached at 7.30, got my number 1274. No la, the first on that day started from 1100, so it was just a virtual thousand odd infront of me. Lol.

While queuing, i gotta know this male acquaintance, Alson, who was trying audition for his first time. He was going to sing Korean song too, by DBSK so i felt kinda relieved that i wasn't alone, muahaha. He's a character whom I thought was cynically funny. He asked alot of amateur questions like "eh you don't need to practise meh? what if your voice cracks later? what if you forgot your lyrics suddenly?" I've learnt the Way of positive thinking so i just told him lightly "well, then too bad lo." But isn't it just life? What can you do if things really happen in a certain way despite all your efforts to prevent? Because past experience told me too much practice beforehand makes my voice hoarse and dry so I've learnt to trust myself that my voice can do it.

On the other hand, infront of me was a local who grew up in America. Quite a good looking fellow with confidence that came along with his American slang. LOL. I like his attitude when he said "im old for such stuffs, already 25! but just doing whatever i want while i still can." His words reminded me that i was right to turn up. Doesn't cost a cent anyway~

Waited until 10.45am, went in 10 in a row, and one by one took turn to step forward. We got to watch the previous 10 people taking their turns to sing. I like this arrangement of going in together for it gives a reassured feeling that you're not really doing this alone. Plus, if you see people doing not so well, you tend to gain a little more confidence. Especially after seeing a few among the previous 10 singing in muffled Korean made me feel gratified for the useful Korean lessons at CLS. :P

I can proudly say that I wasn't at all nervous, and my voice didn't wreck due to anxiety. It seemed that i got the longest singing time- from verse to the end of chorus. happy~ :D Alson went after my turn, sang just 3 sentences and suddenly forgot his lyrics. T.T At that moment i really learnt what 깜빡 이저버렸다 really mean. >.< Then i recalled those questions he asked me before entering. Indeed, one shouldn't think too much for audition.

Many times, it isn't the outcome of auditions that disappoint oneself, it's often the own performance and self-critique that makes me take it real hard. This time i was really happy with my own performance. Maybe this time i had a smaller target; i just wanna get myself heard in Korean- something that not all auditions would let you do. Frankly, i don't feel as much for Mando Pop as JK pop. Just nice i really had the urge to do a rendition of GNA's 꺼져 줄게 잘 살아 infront of some other ones. So just took this song with me on a 1.5hr journey to the other part of Singapore.

Having learnt the fact that i've grown to be more confident is the greatest gain this time. I know i shouldn't be whining about not being able to continue my music classes so after this try, i think i've managed to do some concrete conclusion on my mixed feelings of self-blame, devastation etc. 1.5yrs of music training has been worthwhile, even though my official learning status is still dangling at 'intermediate'.

11 Dec 2010 is the day i moved on, i'll remember.

Diversing the roots of my happiness

I can still feel the sadness in me. For many times I've been telling myself not to wallow in self-pity yet i can barely do so for a few hours in a day.

So what if I can't continue my vocal classes? Yea, that sounds silly and totally not a big deal (not to mention it's not even considered a deal) to people.

I don't know exactly what i wanna get out of taking vocal classes; not exactly living the dreams of becoming a pop star, maybe just wanna get recognition using my skill where my greatest interest lies and to mix well with people of the same interests.

That explains why I'm feeling as if i've been thrown flat to the ground when i cannot sustain my lesson fees. I knew long ago this day would come; that i would learn all the way to the Intermediate level of singing leaving not much savings to see myself to the Advance. Back then i thought just 走一步算一步。

Mama always tells me to make myself happier and not to worry too much about future as things will smooth out to what they ought to be. My decision to throw my savings into doing what i like was my first step of breakthrough in freeing my true soul from the cage. Now, everything goes back to show that i ought to plan better right from the start to avoid great disappointments.

It's really hard to keep myself going on, staying satisfied just by cherishing fond memories of what I had or managed to do. Everything im doing says im in the intermediate stage- Japanese, Korean, vocal classes.. Now i detest the word 'intermediate'; it's definitely a big leap from beginner but it's just another way of saying 'mediocre'. How can i make myself advance from here?

I've been in a total lost ever since i've stopped my vocal and dance classes. After all the fulfilling days, life is telling me to scram back to a normal student mugging for exams. Last month, just when i had decided to put down everything after ending my intermediate classes, my heart got screwed up all over after the vocal exams. Just because the judge aka music forest's boss said he'll try to remember who i am; and the next moment he called my name. The fact that he didn't say the same to the other students definitely gave me some recognition. I don't expect any follow-ups from what he said, but i was totally pushed from heaven to ground. So what if he remembers me? It only adds on to my pain and dilemma that i want but cant continue lessons in near future.

Experiences always play jokes on me. I wonder what God is trying to test.
For now, i can only bury my sadness for no one can understand. The current thing i do is to put others' happiness in front of my own, something that i once would contemplate for a while; to give mama little treats when she's feeling low, buying better presents for good friends' birthdays and treating them to little snacks just like how they treat me. I used to put my hobby as the only priority on list but it turns out to be unsustainable.

Now, i realise i'm actually sufficient, if i were to share what i have and spread my happiness to more people in my circle. Yes, i shouldn't be so selfish thinking only to plant fruits of joy for my own consumption.

Do the better, wish for the best. Only time and patience can tell where i'll be heading from now on.

Conclusion for the Semester

I knew it.

That blogging isn't really a big part of my life; I left my blog to rot for a couple of months without any urge to sweep off the cobwebs with my brush of words. Hate wastage even though the abundant use of cyber space isn't exactly harming the earth.

I didn't even write on how these few months started and now im concluding on it.

Hmm, my Year 2 Semester 1 passed so quickly that i couldn't properly evaluate the feelings i had for the past few months. All i could remember was the feeling of anger and 'pissing-offs' because of a gay project mate who consistently put me in his league of comparison. For WHAT?

Although im no longer taking lessons from Xueling Laoshi, i always remember the story of comparison that she told. It is not a good measure to compare yourself with others because that impedes your self-improvement; if you target someone as your aim for improvement, how do you know in the first place that 1) he/she is better than you 2) how much is he/she better?
Maybe your target is ahead of you by a step; so after all that internal struggles, confusions and investments, you finally won, by just a step. You could have leaped by a few if you were to set your sight further, i guess.

Anyway, don't you come mess around with my life, using me as your ladder to step ON me. Leech. But still, i won't say you're out of my life, for you've never once been INside.

After this post, everything will be set aside. I just need a way to draw an official conclusion on the past.

I'm so glad i've managed to survive the peak period of my 6 modules. Now I have 4 exams but i wanna take it easy. I can't do well under stress!

When my exams end, i'm gonna continue to read on my Japanese and Korean. That's the only practical stuff left for me to pursue. I'm really affected by the fact that I'm not able to sustain my vocal classes; just because reality made me realise those are for rich men's kids.

Now I wanna set my goal for next year in getting the Monbusho scholarship that can send me to Japan for study for a year. I know i should not pin all my hopes on this, but i really hate it when my mama reminds me "don't take it too hard, what if...". Those "What if I can't"s shatter all the hopes and dreams of someone who has lived for barely 21 years.Yet, i do have this fear of 'What if I can't', then i'll be left with no more music, no Japan or Korea... I don't wanna be reduced to an empty shell only desiring to do things that help sustain survival at minimal.

My wish for 21st, to be happier, luckier and richer. 누가 도와줄수 있을까? 나만. 나밖에 없다.

私？雨様の娘である。

涙が流れたからこそ、目ははっきり見える。

胸の狭さがわかっているからこそ、この世の広さは分かるようになれる。

弱い者が弱くなってくるからこそ、強い者は一段と強くなれる。

悲しい時があるからこそ、楽しい時は大切にすることができる。

過去が変わられないからこそ、現在には変えたいものがある。

覚えたくない思い出が消させないからこそ、今から良い思い出を覚えるつもりはある。

隠したいことがあるからこそ、全部の私を見せていないわけになる。

影があるからこそ、光は光っている。

月が落ちるからこそ、日の出は昇れる。

大雨が降ってきたからこそ、雨後は虹が見える。

あなたが去ったからこそ、私はここにいる。。。

24 Mes in ME!!

Saw from somewhere that every person has 24 personalities.

Cool, finally found an explanation for the contradictions, quarrels and dilemmas that I experience with myself. I knew it, that i have more than 1 'me' and 24 does sound convincing.Imagine we exhibit a different personality per hour a day. Then we'll get to see every one of it isn't it? Kaka, but we don't because we spend a couple of hours sleeping. Maybe I would wanna call those "unawakened personalities"(潜在性人格). And again, it doesn't seem to be the case for every personality to surface alternately per hour as we don't function as easy as 1+1=2; now it's like 12+12=1 kinda thing. Kakaka!!!
(This is damn funny, it must be by one of the crazy me! hia hia hia~~)

Hmm maybe take for instance, people with split personalities, most of us would see them as patients but perhaps it's just a matter of which character in them dominates the other 23 (including the usual 'dominant' self), when triggered. Maybe i should try to find the きっかけs that can pull off my hidden selves. yakakaka!!

I think our dominant self is always too conscious thinking that we know ourselves best. But perhaps it is this overflowing 'self-consciousness' that makes us deny sides of ourselves, sides that we don't wish to acknowledge as part of us.

So i realise people around us are important, especially family and good friends who can see your 'unusual' behavior here and there, now and then. Most essentially, they must be bothered to tell you their observations. Hmm, maybe i shouldn't be too quick in defining myself. I must learn to take in comments from people! :)

Since there's potential in every personality of me, and i've yet to unveil all of 24 types, there should be hidden potentials for me to discover.. Wheee~
If all of my 24 personalities has its own potential, i can be an all-rounder too! No wonder friends always say i'm a drama-mama person; how boring it is to play a single character throughout my whole life! Not only artistes can act different roles; my life itself is an ever-changing stage and i play varying roles accordingly. Time is never enough, especially now i've gotta shape not 1, but 24 characters. :D

Written by: THE 23rd ME (vavavava!)

The Unwanted:放开熟悉的雨。。。

HJ said this song can be thrown away. It was my first time hearing this! I thought it was not bad though.. haha.

It was meant to be a submission for an assignment targeting 梁文音but HJ didn't like the ending words and the deadline was coming to an end, so.. Felt a little bad that he didn't getta re-use his tune.

Anyway, I don't really 'throw' my works away; bad works can be served as a reference and perhaps one day, i can revive it by editing to fit any suitable tune that i come across in future. So, this shall rest in my archive...

放开熟悉的雨

看着每个雨滴 打湿我的行李

轮子滑过地 是坚定的声音

雨还不停 我没哭泣

只是在霎那间想起

那一天你对我 说要彼此珍惜

听着熟悉的雨 洒落在伤心地

站在这路口 是我们的秘密

你转过身 还不确定

这感情有没有结局

我先说 再见 没有余地

原来我还没学会该放弃

学习天放开眼泪的勇气

孤单的时候 我忍住泪 呼吸

我一直想要忘记你 偏偏

却感觉自己又力不从心

放不开一个你 还抱着坏天气

期待着我放晴

Date of completion: Mar 14 2010

また遊びの日！♪

Today was another great day of fun going to 陽子先生's house, spending a lovely afternoon chatting with her and playing with the active 瑠佳君！

On my way to her house, I really felt like “自殺”ing for the fact that i alighted at the wrong stop, yes again. I think my fate must have something against the bus services that every stop seems to be my destination or it must be that i'm too anxious to get off the bus everytime. To think i was still telling her i wouldn't err for the 2nd time. No wonder people say "look around before you speak", there must be some little devils playing tricks on my 'over-confidence'. Getting off at the right bus stop is a BIG challenge to me. There must be a medical term for my illness, some "bus rider disorder" or what.


Apart from that, it was a 6hr+ of fun after reaching her place! We made 料理　together again,散し寿司 and お蕎麦this time. Her fridge is like a little japan to me; once i opened it, all the yummy sauces and お菓子seemed to be doing 自己紹介 to me with all their japanese names. *Sparkling eyes*Then, we had a little tea session sharing some of my mama's cake. Wheee, asked my mama to bake a whole light cheese cake for sensei!

Starting to enjoy playing with 瑠佳君; he's getting cuter with hair. kakaka! I think he quite likes me coz he kept smiling everytime i try to do something silly to　博君一笑. ^.^!

Chatted with sensei alot of stuffs here and there.. And i kinda melted upon hearing her call me "秀ちゃん～”. That's the difference between poly and uni senseis. She shared her experience of being a mama etc, saying that it's good to let me know to prep me for future.

(I couldn't imagine before that she can be so motherly, can keep talking non-stop to a baby)

It's heartwarming to hear her future includes me; she wanna see my future kid (which i replied please come to my wedding before you witness that). It doesn't only apply to couples, but to anyone including friends. Talking about doing some things together in the future shows that the party treasures this relationship. So do I.

I wanna see 瑠佳君crawl, walk, start calling sensei ママand me 秀お姉ちゃん, wearing a cap and hanging a water-bottle to school and excursions etc..

I really think 'affinity' is such an amazing and wonderful thing. 「縁」はこんな素晴らしい物だ。:)

说不出的再见

I think my writing is getting commercialised.. I guess it's a good and bad thing.

Learning to suit the commoners' taste helps pushing my work to a greater audience but of course sooner or later, i would face problems in finding back my true feelings to inject in my words. But for now, I just wanna keep myself conscious of this point and train myself to be flexible in writing all types of lyrics.

I learnt that lyrics shouldn't reflect the lyricist's character; they ought to first fit the tune, and then portray an image for the singer. So, 没个性就是伸缩性高，有塑造能力！wakakaka~

I only have one thing to say, writing from a guy's perspective is very tough.

I'm exploring into one possibility,i.e, chinese lyrics do not always have to rhyme to fit. With that, it can be as flexible as Japanese & Korean lyrics and hopefully it will breakthrough further by not having to compromise on the meanings for the sake of rhyming.

说不出的再见

说不停的沉默 葬在我的胸口

说不定现在的你比我更难过

唱不完的歌还是在旋绕着

长不开的百合 怎么听还不懂

看着你哭着的笑了

我怕来不及 将双手紧握~

放不开 你的未来

说不出和你再见 怕我们再也不见

虽然你还是远远地慢慢 走了

我却还在寂寞边缘 守着

你说不出的再见 原来交给了时间

才会每天不断 说着你舍不得

留下我一个人 还无法去了解

换成是你还是我 先说出再见才能更快乐